This morning I am pondering once again why I feel so on edge, and can't let go of negative feelings. This week I had to set a boundary... not an easy thing for me to do with words... I normally create physical boundaries by "hiding/hibernating" when I don't know how to deal with difficult situations or feelings. Since setting that boundary, i am having a struggle to let it leave my mind.
I think that in my early years, i hid my voice... it was there but i never felt safe/comfortable enough to express it. Later in life, I lost my voice...either I gave up, or it just hid for a while. Now in my mid-fifties... I am feeling more confidence, and am comfortable with who I am and what I have to say..... although... i still really struggle with what to do... using words... when what I need to express might cause disappointment or anger in someone. Being able to express myself through art is one of the greatest gifts. My confidence is easily shattered, and I have to will myself to not give in to the pattern of trying to make everyone happy.... to bear everyone's emotions, and protect them at great cost to myself.
I wish I had known earlier in life, what I know now.... but that is a dream... we are where we are. My challenge now is to learn how to express my voice when I am angry, or have other negative emotions....
I can easily express myself through art... thank goodness... but I think ... to grow... I need to learn how to express myself with words instead of just hiding.