Finding my voice

It has been a long winter for me, and my mood has been quite low at times.  My favourite time of day is the early morning before anyone else is awake because it is quiet, and I can do some of my best thinking.  

This morning I am pondering once again why I feel so on edge, and can't let go of negative feelings.  This week I had to set a boundary... not an easy thing for me to do with words... I normally create physical boundaries by "hiding/hibernating" when I don't know how to deal with difficult situations or feelings.  Since setting that boundary, i am having a struggle to let it leave my mind.

I think that in my early years, i hid my voice... it was there but i never felt safe/comfortable enough to express it.  Later in life, I lost my voice...either I gave up, or it just hid for a while.  Now in my mid-fifties... I am feeling more confidence, and am comfortable with who I am and what I have to say..... although... i still really struggle with what to do... using words... when what I need to express might cause disappointment or anger in someone.  Being able to express myself through art is one of the greatest gifts.  My confidence is easily shattered, and I have to will myself to not give in to the pattern of trying to make everyone happy.... to bear everyone's emotions, and protect them at great cost to myself.

I wish I had known earlier in life, what I know now.... but that is a dream... we are where we are.  My challenge now is to learn how to express my voice when I am angry, or have other negative emotions....
I can easily express myself through art... thank goodness... but I think ... to grow... I need to learn how to express myself with words instead of just hiding.  

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